Sit back enjoy...give your opinions...have a laugh...but be nice..or your outta here...:)

Monday, August 13, 2012

'This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store' AK Turner

Hello All-

Here I am on my last day of vacation, from the vacation I never went on. Refer to previous post- although you should have it memorized and quoting lines to your fellow friends.

It is 80+ degrees in Everett today...amazing I know. It is predicted to be 90+ later this week...so what if all 3 Brats have a soccer tourn ...their young..they'll survive...Mama needs sun!!!!!!!!!!

So tomorrow I head back to the place that pays me...I miss the folks but slightly dread the return of normalcy...starting to think it's not a good thing to dread how I spend my days at the place that pays me. Time for a change? Probably.

So this non-vacation hasn't been a total bust. Went and visited friends.....friends whose house's are surrounded by some form of water. Went to a beer garden in the middle of the day in Edmond's with my one and ONLY friend I hang with from high school..Going to a beer garden in the middle of a Friday afternoon is significantly different then a Saturday night. Not only were we the youngest by twenty some odd years, but we were one of the few not in a scooter or walker.

What can I say, we continue to live a thrilling existence after kids and marriage...rock on.

Me at the hip beer garden..never can tell when Robin is actually taking pic of me or using me to capture some crime against fashion in the near vicinity.

Robin ..gorgeous as ever..about to win on lotto..that's right..we are WINNER'S..and slightly lit.

So my wonderful Pixelink.com...seriously, if you haven't gone to this site yet...then REMOVE YOURSELF NOW. Free books for kindle, or smarty pants phones or whatever...everyday. Some are lousy, some are fantastic...I just happened to find a great on yesterday....

'This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store chronicles what happens when a little girl who scorns the idea of marriage and children (in favor of becoming a stiletto-wearing, attache-carrying Secret Agent), majors in Russian, minors in Vodka, and then one day finds herself with child… and in-laws.' (Amazon Description)

I have openly shared my title in Worst Mom in the World. Sometimes I accept it...other times the guilt is suffocating (ex-catholic..what do you do?). However, as I approach my 39th birthday, frankly, I embrace it. Somehow, I manage to have three fairly decent, non meth addicted children. We are in the dreaded teen years, some choose to approach this time with hope and excitement. I continue to approach with pessimism and dread. Sure....they are great now, but what will happen next year?? It could all go to crap and FireDaddy will be mumbling to himself where we ( I ) went wrong...blah..blah....so drink up !!

Where was I? Oh, so I am not one for memoir's. The cover, which is great (this from the ultimate cover snob) caught my eye...

When a chapter begins with, "Like all new Mom's, I had a baby and decided that I should smoke pot for the first time", well, how could I not love this??? Pure poetry!!!

Through out the book the author is candid and hysterical. I to, have attempted (and failed)  perfect Mom-dom. I joined that hideous Mom and Tot's or whatever the hell that cult was in hopes of finding the one other young Mum like me. Never happened. Instead, I had my head filled by competitive Mum's of all my wrong doings. I found out that my allowing my infant to pass out in my bed after the hundredth feeding of the evening ,I was securing her a life in insecurity, drug use and probably into the arms of a abusive partner.

I was a wreck. FireDaddy was sick of hearing how we are either poisoning our daughter with toxic shampoo's that will ensure blindness by 4 or how that bite of ice cream will now cause her kidneys to overwork we have the world's first type II diabetic five month old.

Like most first pregnancies we somehow believe that our to-be child will be soooo superior over your out of utero nit wit, there is a level of arrogance that no Mean Girl can match.

Exhibit A: This is conversation between AK and her husband Mike regarding pets.

AK: "But what about our kids? They're going to want a pet at some point."

MIKE: "Fine, we'll give them invisible pets."

AK: "Our kids are going to be gifted, so of course they'll never buy it".

MIKE: "Your right.".

 I loved this book for it's honesty, foul language, frustration of kids, marriage, family and liquor consumption.

This is the book you give to friends who have kids. If they are uptight, maybe this will help them relax. If they're pregnant for the first time- avoid them like the plague.

Give them five years then you can buy a copy for the failures.

Grab a bottle of wine (or two) and start reading!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

'So LA' by Bridget Hoida

Hello All-

I come to you from the depths of despair. I am on vacation...not happy you say? NO. I am on vacation, and vacation has been cancelled. Why you ask? You didn't? Too bad, my blog.

As you are painfully aware I have two Brats who play select soccer. If your not familiar with the cult of select sports let me fill you in. Kids do not wear dark and white tee-shirts for 30 bucks...oh noooo...their ensembles are $400.00..a piece. Add on monthly fee's x 2. Combine that with driving from Hell and back and it costs more than my first car payment.

After spending a large amount of money on soccer fee's, and after selling my soul to get 4 damn days off (seriously, at the place I spend my days you have to make a deal with the Devil to get one lousy day off) it has come to my attention that we can't go...anywhere.

Yep, for the past 3 months we were planning on going camping in Leavenworth (fake Germany). The place is so tacky it's entertaining. What do they have that we don't have? SUN. We don't get that here. They also don't have soccer practices, games and far away lands to drive to in record time. In fact, the kids were going to stay home.

Day before we were going to leave, it hit. With the fee's we have coming up and the tournaments, we can't afford to go. We can't afford the house sitter, we just can't. For those who aren't aware the place I spend my days is not my dream job. It is a have to. I have the extreme luck to work with a group of fantastic women. As you know, this is odd  for I can't stand groups of women.

However, I work this job to pay for....soccer...soccer a sport I used to love to play and watch. A sport that causes me to want to take my son's Swiss army knife and stab every soccer ball I see in my house.

So am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes. Am I have a selfish pity party? You bet I am. Yeah, yeah I know this will pass , for tonight I want to be mad.

Now enter guilt. You can get rid of the catholic..but the guilt stamps itself on your dark little soul for eternity. All these Mother's are just thrilled to give every aspect of their lives away for their kids budding careers. They'll work jobs they despise, they are willing to live in homeless hostels if it keeps their Precious happy in select sports.

I am fully aware that I am the worst Mom in the World...but wanting just one lousy week? Come on.
Anyhow, done...done ..done...done..

Wait!!! One positive in this soccer Hell that I live in...Went to Seattle Sounder's game...Sounder's won 4-0 Yes, I was born in Seattle..and no I am NOT a Sounder's fan. The fans are ridiculous and no one sticks out to me...however, the flip side of this game...put your sunglasses on as the stunning life force may be to much!!!

That's right...Soccer God himself..Beckham..sigh...

They played  LA Galaxy..who lost..he even looks good losing!!
Guess who she just spotted running out on field?

On to the book review.....

Beautiful Magdalena de la Cruz breezed through Berkeley and built an empire selling designer water. She’d never felt awkward or unattractive… until she moved to Los Angeles. In L.A. where “everything smells like acetone and Errol Flynn” Magdalena attempts to reinvent herself as a geographically appropriate bombshell—with rhinestones, silicone and gin—as she seeks an escape from her unraveling marriage and the traumatic death of her younger brother, Junah. Magdalena’s Los Angeles is glitzy and glamorous but also a landscape of the absurd. Her languidly lyrical voice provides a travel guide for a city of make-believe, where even Hollywood insiders feel left out.

Like a lane change on the 405 freeway during rush hour, Bridget Hoida, skillfully navigates the impossible in So L.A. offering a portrait of contemporary Los Angeles through the penetrating prose of her female protagonist. Evoking a dynamic and materialist landscape, So L.A. introduces readers to the unforgettable voice of an extremely talented new writer. (Amazon Description)

I received this book by way of a friend of mine from High School (Jen Dietz). Jen posted something or other about this book on Facebook. Being the nosy person I am , I shoved my way in and said I would review it if the author would like. Not only did she say yes but she sent me the book wrapped in froo froo ribbon with a handwritten card. Presentation is EVERYTHING..and I was able to bring out some envy in the ever stunning blond, blue eyed Jen. Apparently she was not gifted with such a stunning lay out.

I loved this book. Not what I expected. I honestly expected some sort of smart..Melrose Place (I know-smart is a stretch) novel. This book was the complete opposite.

Magdelena has lost herself. She had a brother who died from a rock climbing accident. She has never recovered. She marries, moves to LA and changes herself from the person she used to be. Body, mind and spirit.

On a personal note, I got this. I grew up around these people. My Mother worked for a cosmetic company that would send her all over the world . We spent one summer in Beverly Hills Hilton. This was normal. I remember being 16 and watching the women talk about their latest ,"procedures". Discussions went from whose husband left who, to who has let themselves go, on and on .It seemed the norm, but I didn't fit in. I thought at that time that eventually I would have to get things done also..that's what you do when your old - around 30 :)

The women, including Mom, never seemed content. There was a underlying rule. Look a certain way and be accepted, be liked. Doesn't matter who you really were, you needed to be liked and thought of as attractive.

As I became older and moved away, these thoughts caused me to feel resentful.  I didn't want to have ,"procedures". I have witnessed the recovery and it is not for the weak. It all seemed like a lot of pain in order to be liked and approved of. Everyone wanted to look the same.

At 6ft tall, brown eyes and brown hair,  that was not going to happen. The whole production turned from exciting and beautiful to exhausting and insecure.

So, I did the opposite. I cut all my hair off ( I can still hear my Mom telling me I'll look like a pin head). Embraced my flannel and jeans (hello...90's grunge?). Dropped out of college, took off for Alaska and began to run.

38 I am still in the same mode. Sometimes that is good sometimes it's not. I don't feel the need to look or act anyway in order to get approval. I just don't need it. Unfortunately , there are so many women that do. Comes out in competitiveness, or cruelty at times. It's in order to hide who they really are.

Magdelena purposely causes drama in her life to escape her guilt regarding her brother's death. Sometimes she made me laugh. Other times she irritated the hell out of me with her righteous attitude of self destructing behavior.

I  feared her. She was who I fought against for so long. She is the person  it would have been easier to be at times.It was hard to  take the criticism for not looking a certain way. As I get older it's a lot easier.

Overall, Magdelena made me sad.  She made me feel for how lost she was. How unforgiving she was toward herself.  She couldn't comprehend what she was doing was hurting others. 

I rarely read books twice, but this one I will definitely read again.

5 stars.