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Monday, August 13, 2012

'This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store' AK Turner

Hello All-

Here I am on my last day of vacation, from the vacation I never went on. Refer to previous post- although you should have it memorized and quoting lines to your fellow friends.

It is 80+ degrees in Everett today...amazing I know. It is predicted to be 90+ later this week...so what if all 3 Brats have a soccer tourn ...their young..they'll survive...Mama needs sun!!!!!!!!!!

So tomorrow I head back to the place that pays me...I miss the folks but slightly dread the return of normalcy...starting to think it's not a good thing to dread how I spend my days at the place that pays me. Time for a change? Probably.

So this non-vacation hasn't been a total bust. Went and visited friends.....friends whose house's are surrounded by some form of water. Went to a beer garden in the middle of the day in Edmond's with my one and ONLY friend I hang with from high school..Going to a beer garden in the middle of a Friday afternoon is significantly different then a Saturday night. Not only were we the youngest by twenty some odd years, but we were one of the few not in a scooter or walker.

What can I say, we continue to live a thrilling existence after kids and marriage...rock on.

Me at the hip beer garden..never can tell when Robin is actually taking pic of me or using me to capture some crime against fashion in the near vicinity.

Robin ..gorgeous as ever..about to win on lotto..that's right..we are WINNER'S..and slightly lit.

So my wonderful Pixelink.com...seriously, if you haven't gone to this site yet...then REMOVE YOURSELF NOW. Free books for kindle, or smarty pants phones or whatever...everyday. Some are lousy, some are fantastic...I just happened to find a great on yesterday....

'This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store chronicles what happens when a little girl who scorns the idea of marriage and children (in favor of becoming a stiletto-wearing, attache-carrying Secret Agent), majors in Russian, minors in Vodka, and then one day finds herself with child… and in-laws.' (Amazon Description)

I have openly shared my title in Worst Mom in the World. Sometimes I accept it...other times the guilt is suffocating (ex-catholic..what do you do?). However, as I approach my 39th birthday, frankly, I embrace it. Somehow, I manage to have three fairly decent, non meth addicted children. We are in the dreaded teen years, some choose to approach this time with hope and excitement. I continue to approach with pessimism and dread. Sure....they are great now, but what will happen next year?? It could all go to crap and FireDaddy will be mumbling to himself where we ( I ) went wrong...blah..blah....so drink up !!

Where was I? Oh, so I am not one for memoir's. The cover, which is great (this from the ultimate cover snob) caught my eye...

When a chapter begins with, "Like all new Mom's, I had a baby and decided that I should smoke pot for the first time", well, how could I not love this??? Pure poetry!!!

Through out the book the author is candid and hysterical. I to, have attempted (and failed)  perfect Mom-dom. I joined that hideous Mom and Tot's or whatever the hell that cult was in hopes of finding the one other young Mum like me. Never happened. Instead, I had my head filled by competitive Mum's of all my wrong doings. I found out that my allowing my infant to pass out in my bed after the hundredth feeding of the evening ,I was securing her a life in insecurity, drug use and probably into the arms of a abusive partner.

I was a wreck. FireDaddy was sick of hearing how we are either poisoning our daughter with toxic shampoo's that will ensure blindness by 4 or how that bite of ice cream will now cause her kidneys to overwork we have the world's first type II diabetic five month old.

Like most first pregnancies we somehow believe that our to-be child will be soooo superior over your out of utero nit wit, there is a level of arrogance that no Mean Girl can match.

Exhibit A: This is conversation between AK and her husband Mike regarding pets.

AK: "But what about our kids? They're going to want a pet at some point."

MIKE: "Fine, we'll give them invisible pets."

AK: "Our kids are going to be gifted, so of course they'll never buy it".

MIKE: "Your right.".

 I loved this book for it's honesty, foul language, frustration of kids, marriage, family and liquor consumption.

This is the book you give to friends who have kids. If they are uptight, maybe this will help them relax. If they're pregnant for the first time- avoid them like the plague.

Give them five years then you can buy a copy for the failures.

Grab a bottle of wine (or two) and start reading!


  1. Hey, Lindsey,
    I appreciate your honesty. Too many women these days wrap their entire lives around their children. Their child is the smartest, nicest, prettiest, most excellent little princess ever, and because these women lived vacuous existences prior to having kids, they use their children to fill the void instead of letting the children compliment their Life. (Have you been to the site STFU Parents? You should.)
    As someone who works at a university, I see these kinds of parents all the time. They've given everything to their kids, and can't let go. The children (now adults) can't think for themselves, let along do anything for themselves. The best example is a student who called my office. I said, "how can I help you?" He replied, "I don't know."
    "Why did you call? What do you need?"
    "I don't know. My mom told me to call here."
    "So... you don't know why you called."
    "Uh, no."
    "Why don't you find out why you were supposed to call, then get back to me."
    "okay." *click*

    Are you the world's worst mom? Well, I assume not, though I don't know you. I figure if your kids make it out of your house in into adulthood without being abused or addicted to something, you've done a fine job.

    I think I'll go grab that bottle of wine now. :)

  2. Aaaahhh...gawd that's awful!! So true though...one of my Darling had forgotten her key one day..I was at work. I had reminded her about key over and over. Sure enough she calls , I need to come home and let here in. Sorry! Can't do. Camper door is open...enjoy for a few hours. She was safe, dry..there were even snacks. Most Moms I know would rush home immediately..what if a crazed killer or rabid dog came out of now where? Or how about her self esteem? To think Mummy doesnt care enough to come home....she is used to seeing women drop everything..not I. Sometimes I think its because we were the original latch key kids...so we over compensate? I.don't know...all I do know is there are a hell of a lot of helicopter parents out there...gotta stop.