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Monday, August 19, 2013

'The Housewife Assassin's Handbook'- by Josie Brown

Hello all...yes...I have been beyond neglectful. I know..I know...to the authors who have sent me books. I am reading like a mad woman. Please know I am trying to get to all the reviews , but sadly, this does not pay the bills so my blog tends to lose status in what I can complete in a day...sigh...

Now, BACK TO ME. I have just returned from HELL. AKA - kids soccer tourn. I had to donate my time to working the ,"admitting desk". Which means, you have an complaint you come to our table.

I was doing so well, until one woman came up and complained about the points being incorrect. She didn't just bring it up..she pretty much SPIT IT OUT upon my table. After the 100th time of hearing her story she accused me of not caring...in which I responded in the most professional, customer service friendly way. "Your right, I don't CARE. Do you want this fixed or do you need to tell me the tale ONE MORE TIME??".

I don't think I'll be asked back.

Here is the deal folks. I am about to turn 40. Am I in crisis mode? YES. Not because of the age, but because of how I should be. These women that I know  hate this soccer select crap, but put on the face and smile..I can't! I can't do it. I can't stand the parents, coaches the whole lot of them. I have a life. I had my time, it's my kids. If they go out there and trip , fall, play horribly...it's not my problem. They are their own person. I have had parents pat my back when my kids score a goal and tell me ,"Good Job!"...For what??? Did I score from the bleachers?? Did my genetic code cause that feat of wonder? Why in the hell are you congratulating me???? I was reading my kindle for Godsakes.

On the plus side of this nightmare, I have become an observer...think National Geographic animal observer..."As the sun falls to the east, I have spotted the ever infamous 40 yr old , newly divorced soccer mom strutting in a scantily clad sundress and wedged heels through a muddy terrain. WAIT..she see's her prey, the single (maybe , maybe not) soccer dad. Is he aware that he has been spotted?? YES!!! Notice the rigid line of his back as his stomach concaves. Amazing how long these males can hold their breath while making the ridiculous under armor he sports, appear to actually fit . Let the disastrous meeting commence...fascinating..".

I sit back in my (judging) chair watching this over and over. Is this what women have come to?? The concern to look ,"hawt" and "desirable" is pathetic. The women are nice to each other then text some gal pal in angry angst of what a "&^&*..&&^*" the other one is. I thought at 40 we were supposed to be ok with who we are. Am I lazy?? I am fully aware,  that I am not, well, what men would find desirable. 20 yrs ago I would have been in tears, now, it only makes me feel slightly rebellious. I have boy short hair, I'm too tall, and I can fit into a boy's size 10 shirt. Read between the lines on that one. Add in turning 40 and I should get a subscription to Cat Fancy Magazine.

I have noticed changes in myself. I saw a gorgeous woman at grocery store today and thought," My God, that woman is beautiful!!" without the slightest resentment or jealousy.  I seem to be alone. Other women my age were seething in their yoga pants. I overheard two women talk about this young gals ,"ridiculous heels". Of course being the kind of person who walks away from idle talk...yeah right, I marched right up this model like girl and complemented her high heels. When I informed her she looks like a model, I could feel my back starting to burn with some sort of seething venom shot at me by the Witches of Trader Joe-wick. Then I watch as a man who had to be 45+ yrs old hit on our Heroine.  I want to smack him. Not because I feel insecure, but because this idiot knows that a beautiful girl of 20 is insecure and he preys on it...fyi, Sir, rethink you hair dye and AGAIN, under armor is not everyday clothing. It only looks like you threw on some spanx and forgot your shirt...STOP.

 What is happening to adult women I ask you?? Is it the entourage of Housewhores on Bravo?? It's like middle aged women are in full on competition. What are we teaching our girls???? How many more Facebook posts of ,"Got carded for wine today".. yeah, well I had a girl ask me if I went to so and so daycare when I was a kid. Told her yes. This woman hasn't seen me since I was 4..do I post that? No. Why? Two reasons:

 1) I am so secure with myself it is a weapon no one can over power. Yes, I spend my days doing something I'd rather not do. Yes, I have teenagers. Yes, 9-5 is ..well, boring but it is what works for now. Frankly, posting this nonsense would make me look pathetic..fyi.

2) Holy Crap, maybe I looked 40 when I was 4...

Now I have some insecurities, I am human. I have braces which I find to be the equivalent of moving back in with your parents. I hate it so much I can't see straight. It's lousy working in a office when I remember declaring at 18 , "Kill me if I ever work in a office". Women. Women are my biggest insecurity. Women scare me.  I really don't have many girlfriends anymore. I find that sad, but I'm finding they're just too much to take on.

Why ...why am I am I yapping away about this? It's my blog..not yours. No, that sounds snotty..this actually leads into my review...

IN BOOK 1: THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S HANDBOOK:- EVERY DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE WANTS AN ALIAS: Donna Stone has one...and it happens to be government-sanctioned.
- BUT DONNA EARNED IT THE HARD WAY: Her husband was killed the day she delivered their third child.
- TO AVENGE HER HUSBAND'S MURDER: Donna leads a secret life: as an assassin.
- BUT ESPIONAGE MAKES FOR STRANGE BEDFELLOWS: And brings new meaning to that old adage, "Honey, I'm home..." (Amazon summary)

There are five out in the series I believe..I haven't read #5 yet so shut it if you have. I can not tell you how much I LOVE THESE BOOKS!!! Again, she isn't a na├»ve 18 yr old girl being chased by some sparkely brooder..oh no..she is ...Middle Aged. Yep..talking over 35 here folks. Oh this book has it all. Mystery, violence, weaponry, humor, gated communities and psycho PTA- Soccer Loving Mom's. Add in a murdered husband (?), pre teen children and an Alicide looking partner and we are ready to roll.

For you mystery lovers this series should please you. For you smutty smuts, fairly graphic smut. For the prudes, skim over those scenes, doesn't take up the whole book or chapter,  breathe. You'll survive.

Donna is my new hero. Little excitement never hurt anyone..just stretch first.

Go grab this book as it is FREEEEEEE today.

Don't you worry, I'll be happy to save your seat at the next home association/PTA meeting...just look towards the back of the room, towards the bathrooms. I'll be there with the other cast - off Mom's..proudly wearing my crown.

Until later folks!

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